Butterflies
by theabsenceoflight
Summary: Butterflies is the thing Merlin feels in the pit of his stomach whenever he thinks of his beloved Freya. Set in an AU, Freya is about to give birth to her and Merlin's first child. Merlin is waiting with his two best friends Arthur and Gwen and he is more nervous then he has ever been. Memories take hold of him and the tale between him and Freya has never seemed so beautiful.
1. Chapter 1

**Hiiii, **

**This is chapter 1 of my new fanfiction 'Butterflies' I really hope you enjoy it and please follow, favourite or review if you do.**

Merlin waited in the deserted hospital. He was with Arthur and Gwen, his two best friends, waiting for his beloved Freya to give birth. It had been four hours now, Merlin was starting to get worried, he was pacing on the hospital floor, his footsteps echoing though the empty corridors. Arthur had told him to calm down but how could he? The nurses had kicked him out for 'safety issues' and he had seen doctors shouting and running to get random medical things that Merlin didn't know the use of and no doctors or nurses had talked to him since. It was past one in the morning and the old man with a bad hip had left, leaving them the only people in the waiting room. It was dimly lit and the lights were flickering, the cleaners had turned off all the other lights so the only light source in the room was shining above them. He wasn't prepared for this, it was a month early, they all went to London Zoo because Freya was board being in the house constantly and it just happened. Merlin had been reluctant for Freya going out so close to the due date, he was a very protective person, but his wife always got her way. Merlin and Freya lived in a house in Chelsea. Merlin was a Psychologist and Freya was a teacher. Arthur was the ex- prime minister's son but was now a lawyer. Gwen was a year three teacher, as well as Freya. Their friendship was cemented together nicely.

Merlin and Gwen had gone to high school together, they had instantly become friends. They had never dated but when Merlin was on the brink of death after a serious head injury, she kissed him out of relief when he woke up out of his three week coma. It was only five years after that she admitted she had fancied him a little bit due in their first year. After Merlin had gotten mostly A's and A*s he managed to get a scholarship to Oxford. Gwen went to another university to get a degree in teaching. Merlin missed her a lot in Oxford but he still kept in contact. Merlin met Arthur in his first year of Oxford. Arthur was in the same year and their friendship wasn't the best at first, Arthur thought Merlin was a bit of an idiot and Merlin thought him as an arrogant prat. But it soon ended when, at a party, Arthur got seriously drunk after having an excessive amount of shots, Merlin helped him get home and lied to his father Uther, when he called to see if Arthur was being a good student and being a Pendragon. Merlin had lied to a man who had been Prime Minister. That was still a moment they laughed at today. Their friendship then grew and soon Merlin realised then Arthur and Gwen were perfect together. Merlin secretly did some match making behind their backs and set them on a blind date together. They had become inseparable and been dating for six years before Arthur decided to get down on one knee and ask Gwen the question. Luckily she said yes and they had now been married happily for three years. Two years after, Gwen had got a job in her old primary school, her teaching colleague was Freya, who was also teaching the third year, and they soon became good friends. Gwen introduced Freya to Merlin and even though he had only had two girlfriends before, he had never been more in love. Merlin had never been happier and two years later he became a physiologist. Him and Freya had travelled for a year and had gone all over the world. When all four of them went to Paris, Merlin proposed to Freya on top of the Eiffel tower and she nearly fell off at excitement. It had now been a year and a half. Being pregnant was the best thing that had happened to both of them but now he was in this situation.

"Merlin, stop pacing." Arthur said, keeping calm to help his friend. Arthur was always there for his friend. Merlin often got angry at Arthur when something upsetting happened to both one of them. Merlin lost it very easily when situations like this happened, he thought Arthur didn't care but this was wrong. Arthur could hold it together more but he was deeply worried inside, for his friend's sake, Arthur talked to him firmly. Growing up with his father taught him to behave in situations like this. He always wanted to make his father proud so he grew up hiding his emotions. He was giving Merlin tough-love. His wife was a bit more stressed by this. Freya was Gwen's best friend, who was a girl. And even though Arthur had secretly gave her the message to keep calm and she was but she kept on fidgeting and biting her lip.

"How can I?" Merlin said, turning to face them. "My wife could be dying for all I know."

"She is _not_ dying Merlin." Arthur said firmly.

"How do you know?" he snapped back.

"Merlin, this happens all the time, it's just like that time when Gwen broke her leg and you were restless." Arthur pointed. Gwen silently nodded.

"She has a heart condition remember." Merlin said rhetorically.

"I know but she went had that surgery a few months back."

"There's still a slim chance."

"Merlin, sit down."

"What if she's-"

"_Now_," Arthur said resolutely. Merlin sighed and sat next to Arthur on the plastic, blue chair but started tapping his feet. "She'll be fine." He said softly.

"It's been four hours Arthur; I should be in there with her. They threw me out Arthur, doesn't that tell you anything?"

"It tells you that her birth is a bit more difficult than others but it doesn't mean it won't go successfully." Arthur explained to him.

"I knew I should have taken her to a public hospital." Merlin muttered.

"These doctors are experienced; they've delivered thousands of babies. Your wife is not the first case they've seen. I can tell you that."

"But it's a case. It's not something they come across every day. And in public hospitals they probably see more people to be able to deal with it." Arthur decided to change the subject, the man was to negative. He always managed to dig himself a bigger hole. Arthur reached into his bag and retrieved something.

"Gummy bears," Arthur said, handing Merlin the packet. This always cheered Merlin up. Gummy bears were his favourite food during Oxford. When he was studying for tests, Merlin didn't go down for dinner down at the cafeteria; his food source was gummy bears and red bull, he studied right through to the morning and gummy bears were the kind of thing that Merlin turned to when trying to revise or to comfort him. Arthur joined Merlin to eat through packets of gummy bears and bottles of red bull. Uther disagreed with eating unhealthy food or things that came from a factory with lots of sugar but Arthur didn't care, when he was at Oxford, he broke the rules that his father made and it helped him a lot.

Merlin gave a small smile and then took the packet and bit the head of a green gummy bear.


	2. Through Dark Corridors

**Next chapteeeeer, **

**Thank you so much for the people that reviewed followed and favourited XD**

Two hours later, after Merlin had worked his way through two packets of gummy bears and a bottle of red bull, a plump, black woman with frizzy, black hair came to see him. She was holding a clip board and had a serious face on.

"Mr Emrys," she announced. Merlin gulped. "Will you please follow me?"

Merlin slowly got up and looked at his two friends. Arthur gave a small smile, Merlin wanted more than anything for them to come with him, he was afraid of what he might find out but he had been complaining about the fact that no one had come to tell them anything. He had to do this on his own.

The woman walked out one of the double doors, holding it open for Merlin and when the door closed, separating them both, Arthur and Gwen were left alone in the waiting room until their friend returned.

Merlin walked down the quiet corridor with the women, he had never seen a hospital this empty before. Their footsteps echoed down the corridor, giving Merlin shivers every time, how many more footsteps were there until he reached his darling Freya? They went down many different corridors, passing many different rooms, Merlin suddenly how far away they were. He felt a little shame. He was Freya's husband; he should always be with her. They had been separated for too long. Merlin had always felt useless, meaningless, until he met her. It was like they had always been destined to be together, a light and a battery; Merlin could not show his true light without her. He remembered when they first met.

Gwen had made him come to one of her school 'outings', Merlin thought it would be most of the teachers but it was only her and Freya sitting on a table, drinking coffee in Starbucks. Gwen said that it 'was good to know the people you're working with. Have a bit of a social life as well.' Five minutes after Merlin had arrived; Gwen said that she had a message from Arthur, saying that he was lost. She deliberately was leaving them alone.

"_Gwen tells me you're a Psychologist." Freya said. _

"_Not a very good one." Merlin whispered to her, making her laugh. The first time he heard it, it gave him butterflies. _

"_Really," she said teasingly. "Where do you work?" _

"_London," Merlin said. "I got a job recently." _

"_London sounds fancy." _

"_It's worth it." _

"_You must be a pretty good at your job if you managed to get work in London." _

"_Yeah, I don't know how they survive with me." Merlin laughed. "So how is it working in a school?" _

"_It's good, I mean, teaching year 3 is easy knowledge. I would never go to teach in a secondary school." _

"_Why?" _

"_Because I'm crap at maths," _

"_Can't you teach English?" _

"_Nope," _

"_What about Science?"_

"_No chance." _

"_Music," _

"_I can't sing." _

"_Drama," _

"_I can't act." _

"_History," _

"_Boring," _

"_French," _

"_Non parce que je ne peux pas parler." _

"_Can you teach anything?" _

"_Citizenship or religious studies probably but I prefer primary school." _

"_Why?" Freya shrugged. _

"_I suppose I just better with children. Before they learn how to get an attitude, there just nicer and filled with more energy." _

"_Nice thought. I met Gwen at secondary school." _

"_Did you two ever go out?" _

"_No," Merlin said quickly. "We're friends, good friends." _

"_Did you prefer secondary school then?" _

"_My primary school was good but there was this really annoying kid three years below me. His name was Mordred and he always got on my nerves for some reason." _

"_You're a Psychologist, can't you figure it out?" _

"_I'm not that good." Merlin smiled. _

"_Can you tell what I'm thinking?" _

"_Well, that's not my strongest point." _

"_Try," Freya said excitedly. _

"_Well," Merlin said, studying her, her position her gestures. "By your hands, I can tell you're either nervous or excited about something and by the way you're sitting, you're relaxed and comfortable." Merlin explained. _

_Freya blushed. "Really," she said with a nervous laugh._

Merlin thought back to that memorable scene. By the time Gwen had returned with Arthur, who looked like he hadn't been lost at all, Merlin had gotten Freya's number and had decided to go somewhere sometime. Through that many happy memories where formed. Freya and Merlin's first date, Freya and Merlin going to many different places, Merlin proposing Freya and Freya finding out that she was pregnant; Merlin knew he would never forget these memories.

But here he was, walking down the corridor, feeling more alone than ever, not knowing what he would find out.


	3. Soundless and Lifeless

**Hiiii, **

**Sorry for the late update but here is the next chapter! **

The woman finally opened a door. There were a lot of Doctors and nurses in there, and a curtain, a curtain Merlin couldn't see behind.

"Mr Emrys." One of the doctors said gravely. "I'm very sorry."

"Sorry," Merlin said anxiously. He walked round to see what was behind the curtain, his breath quickening; he had never felt more nervous in his life. There was a bed behind the curtain, a bed with a person resting soundlessly, whole body under the covers except a pale face. The covers and mattress cover was splattered with blood. His wife was as pale as the white sheets. Her eyes closed and her long, brown, wavy hair lifeless. Her lips smiling softly, still red from the lipstick she had still put on this morning, the morning where Merlin had kissed her good morning, the time when her brown eyes stood out nicely with her eye liner and mascara. The day when she laughed when a monkey fell over in the zoo, told everyone how adorable that tiger cub was. That had been only a matter of hours ago but it felt like a lifetime back.

"No," Merlin whispered, his hand stroked her porcelain face, it was too cold. This couldn't be. This wasn't true. "No," he yelled.

"I am very sorry Mr Emrys. Your child was delivered at 3:46 am and is now in the intensive care ward. Your wife passed away in the delivery, we have done everything in our power to try and resuscitate her but she's gone."

"It's not true." He said desperately. He needed Freya. "Freya, wake up, please." He pleaded tears dripping, clinging on to his eyelashes. "You need to wake up. You have a family now." He felt a hand pressing lightly on his shoulder. It was a young nurse, with blonde hair and grey eyes.

"It will be alright." She said softly. "Do you want to leave?"

"I can't." Merlin said sadly, staring into his wife's closed eyes. "I will never leave her."

"I know it must be hard but maybe it would be better if you were somewhere else."

"No," he said firmly. "You don't understand, none of you do." He said angrily, kicking on of the chairs over.

"Take him away from the room." The doctor said to one of the nurses.

"This can't be happening." Merlin said, he was so frustrated, he couldn't think straight. He couldn't stand here and do nothing. He picked up random objects resting on a table and started throwing them but soon after he stopped, he was too tired.

Two doctors grabbed his arms and started leading him to the direction of the door.

"It's for your own good. I am very sorry Mr Emrys." The doctor apologized.

"No, I can't leave her!" Merlin yelled. He tried to run back to his wife but the doctors had a strong grip, they must have been used to this sort of thing. They were walking towards the door, Merlin being forced to walk backwards. He was using all his strength to get free but he was exhausted, the doctors managed to get him out the door and back into the dark corridor. "No, take me back!" he yelled. The doctors didn't say a word. "You need to take me back." Merlin yelled. "I need to see her."

"I'm sorry," the doctor gripping Merlin's right arm said. "We can't. It will be easier for you."

"She can't be left on her own."

"The other doctors will prepare a room for her; you can go visit her later."

"I need to see her now." Merlin shouted.

"It's for your own good."

"I'm nothing without her. My life is WORTHLESS!" Merlin screamed.

"I'm sorry but she's gone."

"No," Merlin said quietly. She couldn't be gone just like that.

"_So what's your favourite colour?" Freya asked. They were on their first date and were in a restaurant. _

"_Red or blue" Merlin nodded. _

"_Animal?" _

"_Penguin" _

"_Movie?" _

"_Notting Hill" _

"_Really?!" Freya said grinning._

"_Always has been, I like the idea that love can be found anywhere." _

"_I like that too." Freya said gently. _

"_We have a lot of things in common." Merlin smiled. _

"_Well, I for one prefer Love Actually as my favourite Hugh Grant movie." _

"_And Richard Curtis of course" _

"_As if there was no other," Freya laughed. _

"_Okay, next question." _

"_Um… favourite book?" _

"_Harry Potter, definitely" _

"_Why so certain?" Freya asked curiously. _

"_I guess I'm secretly a wizard." Merlin said cheekily. _

"_If only you were." _

"_Maybe I am." _

"_Are you?" _

"_No," Merlin laughed. Freya joined in._

"_I guess there's always a possibility." _

"_I hope so."_

"_Favourite artist," _

"_Don't have one." _

"_Really, no favourite singers or bands," _

"_No, I've never really connected with any of them." _

"_Okay, favourite girlfriend," _

"_I'm not answering that." Merlin said a bit surprised that she asked. A few seconds later they both burst into laughter. _

"No," Merlin said, realising it was all gone. "No!" he yelled. He didn't stop yelling it, he couldn't stop yelling it. He kept on yelling it until they reached the door to the waiting room. He tried to run again, run back to his beloved Freya. He would never stop running, running from the truth. The doctors' grip tightened. Merlin tried harder. He broke free and started running towards the room again. The doctors' quickly took grip of him again, this was unfair. Why couldn't he be reunited with her again? "Let me go!" He yelled. "Get off me now."

"You need to be in here for a bit."

"No take me back. No I can't. No!" he started yelling again as they entered the room. Arthur and Gwen stood up. Arthur saw his friend's distress and went to grab his friend. He was stronger than both of the doctors combined together. The doctors left through the door, leaving Gwen and Arthur alone with a devastated Merlin.

**What did you think of that chapter? **

**Good, bad? Sad, Happy…if you think that was cheerful in a weird way…well I suppose the memory bit was…anyway pleeeease review or follow or favourite if you enjoyed because there's still more to come : )**


	4. Morning with Friends

**Hiii, **

**Just a short chapter here but I hope you all like: ) **

"Merlin what happened?" Gwen asked nervously.

"I need to go back, I need to see her."

"Merlin come sit down, talk to us. What happened?" Arthur said with a steady voice. You could evidently tell who had the power out of the two of them.

"I need to go." Merlin said, trying to run. Arthur turned him around to face him. The young man's eyes were puffy and red, he was still crying. "Merlin… what happened?" The man said quietly. Merlin didn't answer but responded by burying his face into Arthur's shoulder and crying deeply. Arthur brought him to his chair and sat him down on the one next to him. Merlin's crying was muffled but he soon stopped and rested his head on Arthur's shoulder.

"F-Freya's dead." he stuttered. Gwen gasped.

"I'm sorry Merlin." Arthur said sadly.

"I can't live without her." He said.

"You can." Arthur said, lifting Merlin's face up with his hand. "How's the baby?"

"Fine… he or she's fine."

"Y-you don't know yet?" Gwen asked through stifled tears.

"I didn't have the chance. Me and Frey-… we wanted to keep it unknown until the baby was born. I bet she didn't even find out." Merlin said before putting his head in his hands.

"Don't be hard on yourself. You know Freya wouldn't want you to be like this."

"She's gone… what will I do?"

"You will take care of your son or daughter." Arthur said. His eyes were red but he tried to be strong for Merlin.

"I can't do it without her. I can't do _anything_… without her."

"Merlin," Gwen said quietly. "You need to be there for the child."

"But Freya-"

"She's gone. We're all upset. Of course we are. One of our closest friends are… not with us but we can make it… together."

"It's hard."

"I know."

"Can I just have silence for a minute?"

"Of course buddy, take as long as you want." Arthur said softly. They all cried silently. Arthur felt Merlin shaking, his struggled breathing and his quiet words of regret. Gwen was curled up in a ball crying silently. Finally Arthur surrendered, tears came and they didn't stop for a long time. None of them had the energy to speak. They were quiet in their own sorrow, sunk into darkness, not being able to control their emotions.


	5. Happy yet Painful Memories

Half an hour later Gwen finally said "What about your child Merlin?"

"I can't go."

"You need to." Arthur said.

"I-"

"_Go_."

"F-fine," Merlin sniffed. "But come with me."

"Of course," Arthur said. They all slowly stood up, Merlin ached all over.

"Okay, let's go." He said nervously. They followed a sign that read 'Baby ward, intensive care', they were walking in silence.

"_I had a really fun time." Freya smiled. They were walking back from their fifth date. Merlin's coat draped over Freya's shoulders. _

"_I did too." Merlin beamed, he hesitated before saying "Freya… do you think that this relationship is going anywhere?" _

"_What do you think?" she asked cautiously. _

"_I think it's going… good. We've had really good times together and I just wanted to say that… I really like you." _

"_Thank Merlin," Freya smiled. "I thought you were going to break up with me." _

"_No… of course not!" Merlin said sounding horrified at the thought "…does that mean we're girlfriend and boyfriend?" _

"_You could say that." _

"_Good," Merlin laughed with relief. _

"_Why did you ask?" _

"_No reason… I just don't want this to go down the drain… just wanted to know if I was being a good boyfriend." _

"_Don't worry Merlin you're doing fine." They both giggled. _

"_That's good to know." Merlin said, slowly moving his hand towards hers and when Freya felt his contact hers, she gripped it tightly, swinging it slightly. _

"_I was wondering if you wanted to go to Rome sometime or something." Merlin said quietly. _

"_Rome!" Freya explained excitedly. "I've always wanted to go." _

"_Well it would only be the two of us." Merlin said slowly. "Do you want to go?" _

"_Of course I do." Freya grinned. "When can we?" _

"_Are you available in the half term?" _

"_Well I was planning to go trick or treating." Freya said slowly. _

"_Oh, okay." Merlin said gently. _

"_Merlin," Freya said. "I'm joking. Of course I'm free." Merlin laughed with relief. _

"_You want to go then." _

"_Of course." She said excitedly. _

"_It's a holiday then." Merlin grinned. _

They finally entered a large room but there were only ten babies in there. Merlin gulped as they entered. He walked past the cribs, followed by Gwen and Arthur, until he found a clip board at the end of the cot saying: _'Child of Mr and Mrs Emrys, born at 3:46 am. Sex: Female. Condition: Premature, breathing issue, weak heart beat and bones.' _Merlin tried to ignore the facts. He walked forward to his daughter.

She was pale and small, wrapped up in a swaddle and asleep in a plastic box. She had a drip attached to her chest that was slowly moving up and down, she had wires all over her tiny body, attached to a machine that was helping her breathe.

Merlin was visibility shaking, he and his Freya had worked so hard for a family, to make it right and where were they now? His beloved Freya dead and his daughter fighting for her life, first night of her life curled up on her own. This wasn't right.

Gwen came and put her arms around his shoulders and rested her head against him. "She's beautiful Merlin." She smiled. There was sadness in her voice but she smiled.

"I know she is." Merlin said quietly.

"_So what did you think of Rome then?" Merlin asked. _

"_Beautiful." Freya smiled. "Best holiday I've ever been on." She smiled. _

"_Really, you think so?" Merlin grinned, taking her hand, carrying half of the luggage in the other hand. _

"_Of course, the cottage we stayed in… the sightseeing, the romantic dinners. You know how to please a woman Merlin." She beamed; Merlin got butterflies, not for the first time. _

"_Really, I've never thought myself as that type of person before." He said honestly. Freya laughed slightly. _

"_You're a natural. The last thing I wanted was it to be a kind of 'Letters to Juliet' scenario. Man takes a woman to a romantic village and then hardly spends any time with her. But this has been amazing." _

"_We'll have to go again then." Merlin said happily. _

"_Of course." She said cheekily, gripping his hand tighter. _

Merlin felt a tear falling down his cheek.

"I c-can't stay here." He said.

"Merlin-"Arthur started.

"No, I mean it. She looks like Freya."

"Merlin, please, she needs you, your daughter."

"I-I know but I can't look at her without seeing… without seeing _her_."

"It's hard, we all know it's hard but Merlin, you can't abandon her." Arthur said.

"I'm not abandoning her." He snapped. "I-I just need to go home, it's too… too…" Merlin couldn't find a word to describe his feelings.

"Ok," Arthur sighed.

"Would you like to stay at ours?" Gwen asked.

"No, I need to be alone."

"Do you need a ride back?" Arthur asked.

"I'll get a taxi." Merlin explained.

"Fine, we'll sort things out here." Merlin nodded before turning to leave. He felt so guilty, he couldn't leave but all the things that had happened today… it was too much.


	6. A Taxi Drive Away from an Empty Home

_It had been six months since that conversation in Starbucks. Merlin loved Freya, he knew it. He wanted to get down on one knee, more than anything but the only thing that made him stop was him wanting this to go right. He'd be patient and his and Freya's love would grow in time. _

_He and Freya were sitting in the same spot they sat in when they first met in Starbucks. Merlin and Freya had been to Rome, Germany, Spain and Brazil so far and were about to go to India. They went in the times they managed to get off. Merlin's job got him off at half terms and holidays and Freya, being a teacher, got her off at those times as well. _

_Merlin handed her a small package in a box. Freya opened it curiously but excitedly. Placed in the box was a small, silver key. _

"_A key to my flat… if you wanted to," Merlin said nervously. _

"_Of course I do Merlin." She beamed. "But are we ready?" _

"_I think so…" he said slowly. _

"_That's all I needed to hear from you!" She grinned. "When should I move in?" _

"_Whenever you want to!" He said excitedly. _

"_A week alright?" she asked hopefully. _

"_A week's perfect." He said, leaning forward. They rubbed noses before having a passionate kiss. Freya was blushing slightly before they drank from each of their own straws from the same drink. _

Merlin sighed sadly as he stepped out into the cold air. He saw a taxi emerging, he ran out to get it but a man appeared and reached it first, he was dressed it a suit and was holding a briefcase.

_Merlin and Freya ran up to a taxi, a man got their before them, Freya was six months pregnant. _

"_Can we have this taxi please?" Merlin asked politely. _

"_I've got a job to get to." _

"_I'm having a baby!" Freya shouted. The man looked shocked and moved out of the way. _

_They both got into the car. "Are you alright?" Merlin asked anxiously. _

"_Merlin, I was kidding." She grinned. _

"I have got a very important meeting to get too. What's you're deal?" he asked harshly in a snobby voice. Merlin hesitated.

"N-nothing." He stuttered. The man rolled his eyes and muttered 'kids' under his breath before getting in.

_Merlin and Freya were staying in India; they visited the slums to help out with the children, along with many other people from wealthier countries. By the end of the day, Freya eyes were wet. _

"_Those poor children." She said sadly. "We need to do more to help them." _

"_I agree." Merlin said nodding his head. "They've had enough of that life." _

"_That poor woman has nine mouths to feed." _

"_Did it make you think of the possibilities of having children?" Merlin asked slowly. _

"_I don't know. When I was young, I was told I had a heart issue, when I was thirteen, I had heart failure and I was in hospital for four months." _

"_I'm sorry to hear-" _

"_It's fine. I may have to have surgery before I can any children but who knows?" she asked smiling. _

"_So would you consider it?" _

"_Easy tiger," Freya laughed. "Let's just not do anything life changing yet." Merlin nodded, thinking it was best not to propose for a while yet. _

Merlin finally got into a taxi, a man with a foreign accent said to him "Where would you like to go?" Merlin told him his address and the man started driving. Merlin sighed and leaned his head against the chair and gently closed his eyes. Images and memories of Freya appeared in his head.

"_Will you marry me?" The image of them on the Effie tower appeared. _

"_I love you more than ever Merlin." Freya said, their hand entwined, fitting each other like a puzzle piece. _

"_Do you want to go to Spain?" _

"_Do you want to have children?" _

"_That's beautiful," Freya said dreamily, watching the sunset as they sat together, holding hands. _

"_I love you." _

"_I love you." _

"_I love you." Different memories of Freya saying this travelled passed Merlin's mind. It always gave him butterflies; he never got the chance to tell her this. _

"_Merlin, I'm scared." She said, sitting on the bed in the hospital, nurses running around, trying to find the right equipment. _

"_Don't be my love." Merlin said kissing her hand, not admitting that he was terrified. _

"_My love, I like that." _

"_But you are my love, my one and only love. I love you more than ever Freya Emrys." _

"_And I love you too my husband." _

_Ten minutes later, Merlin was forced out by the doctors. _

Merlin woke up with a jerk. That was the last time he ever talked to her, a tear fell down.

He looked out of the window, he recognised this place. The bench where they had their first kiss, the corner shop where Freya won a hundred pounds with a scratch card, the park they walked through, the tree where they had scratched in their initials, contained in a heart, the charity shop that Freya donated her old stuff to. So many places had a sense of her there. Merlin couldn't stand it, how would he ever be able to do anything when everywhere he looked, he had a memory of her. The taxi finally stopped outside their… his house. He paid the man and the car left, leaving him alone. His hands fumbled through his pockets before getting his keys, the shaking of his hands were shown by the jiggling of the keys.


	7. No Eggs

He stepped inside. Her perfume scented the house and Merlin breathed it in, it almost felt like she was standing next to him. The hallway was surrounded with pictures: he picture of them sitting under an oak tree, a picture of them at Merlin's surprise party, a picture of them at Freya's surprise party, them in their house, on the day they got it, a their wedding day, Freya pregnant and many others photos of them two. Her coat draped over the banister along with her scarf and gloves. Her shoes placed in the shoe rack, next to his large ones.

Merlin walked into the kitchen, the room where Freya made her famous roast dinner, she was an amazing cook, Merlin cooked sometimes but his food was always far away from edible. On the fridge there was sticky note. '_Don't forget to buy eggs.' _Freya probably wrote this note for herself; Merlin looked in the cupboard, no eggs.

He went upstairs to their room, the bed where the two of them slept was indented with their body shapes; Freya had laid there only a matter of hours ago. On his bed side table, there was a note from a couple of days before. Merlin picked it up and read

_Dear Merlin, _

_Hope you have a great day at work. _

_I love you, Freya_

Merlin smiled, he loved her notes. They filled him with warmth, something he also didn't tell her.

There was a letter on the writing desk, Merlin quickly read it.

_Dear Merlin, _

_I know with the baby and all, we probably won't go on holiday for a while but when we are able, we should go to Rome with our child, our first holiday as a family. What about it? It would be great to re-open some old memories. You probably won't read this, I'm busy cooking the roast at the moment, well not yet but I will be soon, but I will probably forget to tell you, and I do want to visit our first romantic cottage again so this is a reminder. Now I'm probably eating dinner with you, what a lovely thought. _

_Love Freya XXX_

Merlin dropped the note with shaking hands. How could this happen? He missed her, he couldn't let her disappear. How could they take away someone so loving, so kind? Dreams unfilled, memories never made, eggs never brought.

He sat on his bed and put his face in his hands. And cried, his wail filling the house, a few minutes later, he picked up his phone and tried to distract himself. He had texts messages but he just went to his gallery and clicked on a video.

"_Merlin, I'm not doing it." She laughed. _

"_Come on, live a little." He couldn't see himself, as he was holding the camera. "Our child is going to have to do it for the next few years."_

"_Fine, you win." Freya said, getting a spoon and lifting it to her mouth. _

"_Watch as Freya Emrys eats baby food." Freya ate it and wrinkled her nose. _

"_I'm sorry for our child eating this." She said. Merlin laughed. He reached the spoon to his mouth and also had a mouthful. _

"_It's not that bad." _

"_Were you born without taste buds?" Freya laughed. Merlin moved to sit next to Freya and pointed the camera at them. _

"_Alright, to the child we're going to have, we love you." _

"_And we're sorry that you have to eat baby food." Freya said. _

"_And we'll show you this when your eighteen and you'll be embarrassed." _

"_Yep, see you when you're eighteen. We're proud of you." Freya smiled. _

"_I wonder what-"the video stopped as Freya continued talking to Merlin._

This made Merlin a bit happier. He went to his texts and read them. They were from Leon, Elyan, Lancelot and Percival. They were Arthur's friends but were now Merlin's friends as well. Arthur arranged for them to play football with some other guys that Merlin didn't know that well. Elyan joined when Gwen and Arthur got married when Arthur saw that he was good at football. There were also some from Elena, Mithian and George, a man who worked with him but Merlin didn't like the man very much. The message from the three was just saying 'sorry.' He went on to Leon's text.

_Merlin, devastated to hear the news. Ring me if you want. Leon. _

Merlin considered it but he wouldn't know what to say. He went to Elyan's text.

_Hi Merlin, really sorry about the news, Gwen told me and if you ever want to talk to me you know where I am, Elyan. _

Lancelot: _Merlin congratulations, I know you and Freya will have a wonderful son/daughter. Very excited for you both :D _Merlin went onto the next text, tears filling his eyes.

_Merlin I'm so sorry. Are you alright? Do you want to talk to someone? If you do you can ring or come round anytime, I'll be happy to help you and I hope that you are alright. But congratulations on having a baby girl, I know you always wanted a child. _

Percival: _Merlin, I'm really sad to hear the news. Freya was a wonderful person and friend. You two were the perfect couple and still are, no matter where she is. If you want to talk, please ring me Percy. _

Merlin stared at his phone for a bit before it rang. The name 'Gwaine' came up. Merlin didn't know what to do. Taking a deep breath, he answered it.

"_Merlin?" _a voice said cautiously.

"Hi Gwaine," Merlin said shakily.

"_Merlin, I just heard the news… I'm sorry." _

"Did Arthur put the news of my wife's death on Facebook or Twitter?" Merlin said harshly.

"_No… no, he told us all individually. You know Arthur, he wouldn't do that."_

"I know Gwaine." Merlin sighed.

"_Are you alright?"_

"No."

"_Do you want to come over?"_

"No, I-I need to be alone."

"_Are you sure?" _

"Yes, everything I do, it reminds me of her."

"_I know Merlin, it's hard."_

"Tell me about it." He said harshly.

"_You had a daughter… right?" _

"Yeah,"

"_Well that's something hey." _

"I know, I love her but I can't look at her without seeing Freya."

"_Don't worry Merls, knowing you, you'll be fine." _

"Will I? My job is to deal with these sorts of problems. I need a Psychologist."

"_You don't, this is natural. Everyone would cry if they lost one they loved. You just need time to recover." _

"What if I can't?"

"_You will." _

"But, she was everything to me, how can I live with her not there?"

"_Try," _

"I can't."

"_I know but it will take time." _

"Time is a troublesome thing." Merlin sighed.

"_I know, but we're all here for you. You won't have to face it alone." _

"Thanks Gwaine."

"_Do you want to come over still?" _

"No, I need time to recover."

"_Okay mate. But if there's anything else…"_

"I'll ring you."

"_Good,"_

"Bye."

"_Bye, and congratulations to you and your daughter." _

Merlin hung up and sighed. Talking to anyone was hard at the moment.

"_Freya," Merlin said slowly. _

"_What?" Freya asked. They were on their way back from a restaurant. _

"_I…" he said nervously. "I- I love you." Freya stopped and Merlin felt his heartbeat rise. Was that a bad idea? He hated himself; it was too soon, he had ruined everything. He turned his head to a smiling Freya. _

"_I love you too." _

"_R-Really, you do?" Merlin asked excitedly. _

"_Yeah, I do." She grinned. Wrapping her hands against his neck, Merlin picked her up and they started kissing passionately. _

"_I love you Freya, forever and always." _

"_And I love you for the rest of my days and beyond." Merlin laughed quietly. He done it, he admitted his true feelings to the woman he loved. Suddenly he felt sparks fly inside him, everything felt easy. Everything felt worth doing. _

Merlin's phone buzzed.

_1 unread message from… _it read a number that Merlin didn't recognise. He unlocked his phone and read the message.


	8. A Lost Contact Making its Way Home

_1 unread message from… _it read a number that Merlin didn't recognise. He unlocked his phone and read the message.

'_Hi, Merlin, it's Morgana.'_

"Morgana," Merlin said to himself. Morgana was Merlin, Arthur and also Gwen's friend in University. Uther and Morgana's mother were family friends and she was Gwen's best friend in Primary school so it was great for Gwen to get in touch again. They were really good friends until Morgana found out that Uther had an affair with her mother. She refused to speak to Arthur and hated him, she kept on trying to get him in trouble at Oxford and get him kicked out. Merlin tried to stop her but in an incident, Morgana accidently made a bookshelf fall over him, Merlin almost died and they never saw Morgana again.

'Morgana,' Merlin texted. 'What do you want?' he sent. A few minutes his phone buzzed again.

'_I heard the news'_

'How, I don't have your contact details, neither do Arthur and Gwen.' He waited before his phone alerted him saying

'_Friend of a friend of a friend told me just got the message.'_

'Wow, news travels fast doesn't it?'

'_Merlin, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.' _

'Why, you didn't know Freya that well.'

'_I know but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for you and your loss. Also, you don't know how much I hated myself for doing that to you. It took me four months to find out that you were okay.' _

'Where did you go?'

'_I ran away from home. Went to America, stole my mother's credit card and stayed in the Plaza until my mother came to New York and tried to take me home.' _ 'Plaza, classic Morgana.' Merlin thought, smiling slightly.

'And then what?'

'_I told her I didn't want to leave and then after a long time of convincing, she gave me ten grand and headed home. I got a good job in the business in New York. I suppose it was good for me. I had good GCSE's so that basically supported my life there.' _

'Where are you now?'

'_In Manchester, got a boyfriend, met him in New York. I moved back here a year ago. I wanted to call you.'_

'Why didn't you?'

'_I was afraid, I hurt you. I loved you as a friend and I took that away with some stupid quarrel with Arthur. I could have moved back ages ago but I was worried of bumping into you.' _

'I'm sorry Morgana; it was no big deal, really. What about you and Arthur?'

'_I haven't talked to him yet. He probably doesn't want me too. I practically tried to ruin his life.'_

'Would you consider talking to him?'

'_I don't know. His father and my mother are still hard to get over.'_

'Then it's Uther you should be angry at.'

'_How is Arthur?'_

'Good, he married Gwen and they are perfect together.'

'_I'm glad for him. Really, I am. He deserves it.'_

'Will you talk to him?'

'_I don't know.' _

'I'll talk to him for you Morgana.'

'_Thanks Merlin… so, am I forgiven?' _

'Fine, you're forgiven.'

'_Thanks Merlin! I just wanted to tell you that I'm here for you. And I' m really sorry for your loss.' _

'It's hard.'

'_I know. Do you have a son or daughter?'_

'Daughter,'

'_Are you with her?' _

'No, I couldn't.'

'_Why?' _

'Because it was too hard to look at her without seeing Freya,'

'_Merlin, I know I've just become friends with you again but I need to tell you that you need to see her.' _

'How can I?'

'_How can you not? She's your daughter; this is the first night of her life. If you can't be with her now, then when are you going to be?' _

'I will be there.'

'_Just go see her. She's you're child; you can't leave her on her own. You both need each other. If you're not there now, you'll regret it. I've seen this before, unless you want you and your daughter to have a good relationship when she's older, go there NOW!' _

'I can't.'

'_Merlin, it's hard, I know it is but you can't be sad now. You need to be a parent and look after your daughter. I know I didn't know Freya but I know that she would have wanted this.' _

'Thanks Morgana' Merlin said, realisation coming to him, why was he here?

He dropped his phone as it buzzed again but didn't bother to see what it said. He ran outside and called for a taxi.

A man came up and said

"I need that taxi, I called it first."

"My child is in hospital. Why do you need it?" he asked harshly.

"N-no reason." The man stuttered and Merlin got in.


	9. Sweet Memories

'_Merlin… I'm pregnant." His wife beamed at him._

"_W-What?!" Merlin asked. _

"_I'm pregnant!" she laughed. Merlin's face widened and he smiled excitedly. _

"_Really?!" _

"_Yeah," she grinned. Merlin laughed and ran to see her. He picked her up and spun her around, she giggled. He set her down and they shared a deep kiss. _

"_I can't believe it!" _

"_We're having a baby!" _

"_We're going to have a family." Merlin said excitedly. _

Merlin reopened his eyes and smiled softly. Those moments of happiness they had, those moments of happiness that will last forever. Every day they spent together were the best moments of Merlin's life. They had arguments but none of them mattered. Merlin loved her and there was no denying it.


End file.
